The Woo in Rest
Season 2: Episode 002
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Script*
*Note: The script has been edited for readability and will stray from the original audio recording.
Woo No 2
[00:00:00] Crystal: Welcome to the Plan for Wonder podcast. I'm Crystal, the Talking Head, founder and creator of mylifeplanners.ca. In these moments together, I want to explore and understand my own struggles to find focus, bring clarity, live with intention, and ultimately learn how to plan for wonder. I'm back this week with episode number two with Eileen March, founder of My Luminous Life, intuitive coach and energy healing for women.
And we're diving into what capacity means to each of us and how rest plays a significant role in our successes. So welcome back, Eileen.
[00:00:37] Eileen: Thank you. Thank you. Delighted to be here.
[00:00:40] Crystal: Working with women as your niche there's a lot of, I'm looking through a lot of the advice you have. One of the things is you've Triggered or tied into the idea of so many of us who have defaulted into this Strong woman role.
[00:00:54] Eileen: Yeah, it's something that I see Really commonly, and I think there's some truth to it for men as well in our society. But independence is not a thing such a highly praised trait in our culture. And this goes one step further in a lot of us, and especially in a lot of women, into hyper independence.
In being able to do it all alone, we don't need help. It often, and almost always, stems from A situation or a belief that we acquired through our childhood that we are the only ones we can rely on to do things or to do them right. There's also this culture of praise for being the strong one for being, having it all together, for not needing help, for pushing harder or doing more, right?
The whole martyr. You can have everything.
[00:01:43] Crystal: Yeah. A woman can have everything. You can do it all, and you can.
[00:01:47] Eileen: We don't need a man. We can do it all alone.
[00:01:48] Crystal: And that in itself is the problem.
[00:01:52] Eileen: Yeah.
[00:01:52] Crystal: The fact that we have to do it all. Yeah.
[00:01:56] Eileen: Yeah. I know that when, anytime I hear someone say, boss babe or girl boss, I'm like, I don't want to grow boss.
I want to be a mushroom. Yeah, I want to go to the forest, lay on the ground, become the moss, and communicate with the mycorrhiza.
[00:02:18] Crystal: Do you have any kind of tips or stories along that line of the transitioning? How do you transition that mindset?
[00:02:28] Eileen: Yeah, it takes a lot of work. I am still very much prone to falling into do more, push more, do it myself.
[00:02:37] Crystal: But what is the work?
[00:02:39] Eileen: The work is to practice.
[00:02:41] Crystal: And what's the practice?
[00:02:41] Eileen: Not doing it all. And being okay with it? Yeah, being at well. Permission? And the first part of the work is to practice It's asking for help, letting go of the things that don't actually need being done or being done by you.
In those initial stages, especially practice being with the discomfort that will be brought up in your body because it will be uncomfortable. It's
[00:03:08] Crystal: Like you're triggered. It's an internal trigger, and ignore it and learn to see it as a trigger instead of a truth.
[00:03:16] Eileen: Yeah, like one of the things that you know, I've worked with myself, and it's a first step for a lot of my clients, is that incorporating more rest into your days initially isn't Going to feel great because so many of us, when we do attempt to rest Feel like this nagging guilt that we have, are often like, it'll be like skin crawling, needing to get up, needing to be productive, needing to do something.
Especially if, say, our partner, if a partner is at home doing something, my partner is great at laying on the couch while I do.
[00:03:50] Crystal: And I have to keep saying that, too, because I cook dinner, and everybody else is around the house doing nothing. Yeah. And then after dinner, it's acknowledged that the cook does not clean. So I sit.
And I still, to this day, feel this urge that I should be doing as well because everybody else around me is as well.
[00:04:05] Eileen: Yeah, it's deeply uncomfortable because we've been conditioned to attach our value, our worth, to our productivity, to our being of service to others. Especially as women, right?
[00:04:17] We're the care providers, defaulted care providers in our society. And being of service to others. Is the female equivalent to the man bringing home the bacon? If we're going to go into stereotypical roles, it's where culture has placed our value. And so, if we're not actively tending to or caring for others, what value are we?
[00:04:37] Crystal: Yeah. Like I'm an acknowledged nurturer, but I think that's a description or a value. That's. Most women.
[00:04:45] Eileen: Yeah, it has been given.
[00:04:47] Crystal: It's you've been brought up into it, not necessarily. I almost question if it's innate. Or is it innate and being taken advantage of?
[00:04:56] Eileen: I think it's the latter to some extent.
[00:04:58] There, there is nothing wrong with being nurturing. It's a beautiful capacity. It's when we don't have boundaries or limits around that nurturing that we end up in situations of not only overgiving but also hyper-independence. So we give so much support and love and care to those around us, but we close ourselves off to receiving that same love and support and care.
[00:05:22] I know most women really struggled to just receive, whether it be love, whether it be compliments, whether it be money, we are really shit at receiving.
[00:05:34] Crystal: And I think as growing up, who are your role models, right? Who are the women in your life? This idea of being humble is a good thing. And I'm like, Is it?
[00:05:46] Eileen: Yeah, we get, we have a lot of, Ooh, I read a great book about the Seven Deadly Sins by Elise Loehnen, On Our Best Behaviour: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good.
[00:05:52] Crystal: That is one of my big books right now.
[00:05:59] Eileen: And it is just like this invented list of sins from, I can't remember when, but some old white guys came up with it as they do.
And, we're really still living the repercussions of the outcome of these old white guys being like, how do we control people? And a lot of these sins were really extra focused on women and that fear that our culture holds around women and their power.
[00:06:45] Crystal: Yeah, it's a must-read. Definitely.
[00:06:47] So one of the things we were talking about was being humble and rest, because that kind of, that's what we're really in here for. So you have an outline on what are some good tips to to rest. And the first thing you say is to start small. What does that mean?
[00:07:04] Eileen: That means Practicing as small as micro-moments of rest if that feels like the easiest way to begin.
Pausing and taking three deep breaths and just noticing something that you can see or smell or noticing what one of your senses is experiencing. That's a way to insert micro-moments of rest into a day that feels full. Maybe it is a five-minute nap. nap on the couch. You're not going to fall asleep in five minutes, but maybe it's lying down for five minutes with your eyes closed, not on your phone.
And just being in that moment of stillness and allowing whatever feelings crop up to be there, but sticking with it, it's not going to be like with any new behaviour that we're trying to integrate into our lives, it's not going to work if you're like I'm going to take an hour-long nap every afternoon at two.
Starting from now, right? Unless you're very fortunate and can actually make that work or very disciplined. You're probably not going to do that. Just if you're like never gone to the gym and suddenly you're like, I'm going to go to the gym six days a week for an hour.
[00:08:09] Crystal: And maybe starting small is here's an ideal. Let's try it. Yeah. And experiment and see what's working and what doesn't work.
[00:08:15] Eileen: I often talk about finding the moments of rest that already can exist in your day. So rest doesn't have to look like. Laying down rest can look like folding the laundry in a meditative state, right? It's something repetitive.
You don't have to think necessarily about what you're doing, but you're choosing actively to do that task without having a podcast on or without that extra stimulation. We're constantly consuming information, podcasts, we're reading books. We're learning things online. We're always consuming.
Part of rest is not consuming, allowing our brains to wander and be in a bit more of a restful stage instead of always planning.
[00:09:00] Crystal: What comes to mind for me when you talk about that is We talked about the download, right, because there's so much in our brains that's going on So being in a meditative state when you're doing laundry is great, but still there's this angst Associated with all of the stuff that's going on in our heads.
So, some type of way to, and I think even journaling out what's just, I'm stressed out. I don't know why. So let's just start writing like that could be a practice to get to that state of letting go of things and learning what that feels like. And you realize, wait a minute, the world didn't fall apart because I'm not angst about all of this and this.
[00:09:43] Eileen: Yeah, that tendency to worry is really, it's a tendency. It's there because we feel like when we worry and we think about all the possible outcomes or everything that might go wrong or could go wrong and planning for it, that's just our way of attempting to exert control over a life in which we really have
[00:09:59] Crystal: very little control. So, the next thing you mentioned is keeping it simple.
[00:10:05] Eileen: Yeah, so that same concept, right? It can be as simple as five minutes on the couch horizontally. When I was growing up, I always remembered traveling with my mom because if we'd been on a long travel day, flying or whatever, she'd always just say, I just need ten minutes horizontal and I could not, I was like, what do you mean?
That's no time at all. How is that gonna fix anything? And it was actually in my career as a midwife that I started to recognize the deep value of just laying down for ten minutes without other stimulation going on. I used to, if I was called to a birth early and it was at home, it was always my favourite place to be for births.
I used to have naps in between listening to the baby's heart rate; if it was that early stage, my partner was doing the support, and I wasn't needed in the room. We listened to the baby's heart every 15 to 30 minutes, and I would just go lay on the couch and doze and listen to this mama in the other room, and those snatched moments of rest made possible these longer births and situations.
It's amazing what 10 minutes horizontal does for your energy.
[00:11:08] Crystal: So it's just like pacing yourself?
[00:11:10] Eileen: Allowing your body to have its own animal needs to be met. That's the other piece, right? You don't have to earn your rest. You deserve it because you are a human being alive on this planet.
[00:11:25] Crystal: I know for myself, sometimes when I'm being, my brain is crazy, and I can’t really rest in that state.
So that's when I'm not needed distraction. Insight timer, some type of meditation, and they have little links, and sometimes I'm like, You can even search the topic of what's, I have anxiety, or I'm really grieving or whatever it is. And you can have these little, 10-minute short things just to listen to you and process.
I remember one where I was actually feeling really anxious and I actually chose one that was about focusing on joy. So I felt amazing after that because I re-experienced joyful moments in this, remembering things and what brings me joy. Okay. And that literally gave me joyful energy. Yeah. They replaced the anxiety.
“We can't feel two emotions simultaneously…”
[00:12:12] Eileen: It's amazing. We can't feel two emotions simultaneously and we do have the ability to consciously control what emotions we are feeling. There's a lot of coaching about that, right? Calling up the, Energetics or the emotions of a desired outcome to get you into that space and out of the cycle of rumination and worry.
Insight time was great. I've got a bunch of tracks as well.
[00:12:37] Crystal: So the next thing you talk about is bedtime. What is the bedtime when it comes to rest?
[00:12:43] Eileen: Yeah. So I think I'm trying to remember what the article itself was referencing there, but in general. And I think we're going to touch on this next week.
When we talk about more of the cycles. Yeah. But in general, think about setting yourself up for good sleep. So much of our life is wrapped up in this space of being overstimulated, and it makes it really hard to go to sleep. And the very overheard but very true advice of turning off your device at least an hour before you go to bed.
Keep it in another room if you can so you're not distracted by it lighting up or dinging or making noise. Or even if you're
[00:13:18] Crystal: reading a book, maybe be particular about the book you're reading. Be particular about the book you're reading. I tried to, I was reading like a mystery kind of intense novel before I was really into it.
But that anxiety doesn't allow me to actually fall asleep.
[00:13:34] Eileen: Exactly. So something really calm, a meditation. And then I like to have a piece of paper and a pen beside my bed because often if we are overwhelmed or busy or worried, About things in life. As soon as we lay down to try to sleep, all of those things pop up.
Our brain is very helpful. Here are all the things you need to do tomorrow, and don't forget. And so having something to write those things down on, like your planner. Yeah. And just be like, okay, cool. Now I won't forget. Thank you, brain, for reminding me. I'm going to sleep now and just have that way to get it out.
And it gives you that sense is really helpful. And we'll talk about beginning your day at dusk
[00:14:12] Crystal: in the next episode. And then you setting boundaries, how does that relate to rest?
[00:14:18] Eileen: Without boundaries, we can't rest at all because, again, we come back to that people-pleasing, over-giving place.
If you don't have boundaries in place, you will never have. If you're always on call,
[00:14:29] Crystal: you're not going to have an opportunity to rest.
[00:14:31] Eileen: Yeah. You might if nobody calls, but but
[00:14:33] Crystal: to let your family members know, or your friends or even in a workspace, knowing them when you're reachable and not reachable,
[00:14:40] Eileen: when you're reachable, not reachable.
A lot of it is about how much you say yes to as a woman. We say yes. When people ask us to do things for them, we all say yes. Or almost always say yes. And so we can practice creating space around a request. So I've got my, like, how to say no better tips, and it's really simple. There are three pieces to it.
So, the first one is practicing to pause a moment before responding to a request for your time. So saying to somebody, Ooh, like I'd like to do that for you. Or I think I can help, but let me get back to you and then give them a timeframe so that they're not like, get back to me when maybe it's an hour, maybe it's tomorrow.
Then, remember that if it's something you don't want to do, say no. And if you mean no and it's not something you want to do in the future, just say no, thanks. I can't; it's not a good fit. No, thank you. I can't. I'm really sorry. I can't. But don't start making excuses. Because it's just not a good fit. I bet
[00:15:43] Eileen: You can apologize if you feel sorry for not being able to help or not being willing to help. It's fine to apologize, but it's, but if you start to give reasons why you can't, like, Oh, I can't that night because I've got X, Y, Z.
It's not so much that you're defending yourself. It's that you can then give them a way to skirt your inability to help. Oh, I can't that night. I'm really sorry. I've got a dinner plan. Oh, we could do it that night. So just, if you don't want to do a thing, say no kindly and firmly and leave it at that.
You don't need to give an explanation. The explanation comes in because we feel guilty for saying no because we have poor boundaries.
[00:16:21] Crystal: It's almost like we want approval or forgiveness. And then the next thing you mentioned, which I'm intrigued by is the to-be list.
[00:16:31] Eileen: We all know what a to-do list is, and I firmly believe in the value of them. I love the dopamine hit. I get. For checking things off my to-do list. I will even add things on after I've done them so I can check them off. We all do it. Yeah, it's great. But a to-be list is important. And I really love your planners because they leave this space for the wonder planning or how do you want to feel at the end of the day?
A to-be list is that it's like looking at your day and consciously setting an intention about how you want to. How you want to feel as you move through your day. So I want to be present, right? I want to be calm or at ease.
[00:17:11] Crystal: And that ties into if I want that thing, then I will choose these, make the effort to take time away.
[00:17:19] Eileen: Take those moments for rest. Give myself nourishment. Do you know I want to be energized? Instead of reaching for you, know that the cookies are at 2 p.m. That's when you have that in half or maybe go for a walk because you want to feel. You don't want to be adding things in that are not actually helpful, feel good in the moment, but are actually helpful and so kind of Consciously thinking about how you want to be.
[00:17:45] Crystal: So that sort of leads into a bit about the last point you had was changing your language around rest.
[00:17:52] Eileen: Yeah. And that really, again, it comes back to, I think I mentioned this book as well, that Laziness Does Not Exist is a book by Devin Price. And when we think about rest as something we have to earn, as something that is indulgent, As something that makes us lazy, or, rest is for the dead or for, I'll rest when I'm dead.
That's something we say. The, all of these common ways of thinking about rest as a nice to have. Yeah. And an indulgence, it makes it feel like a guilty pleasure and it shouldn't. If not, it's pleasurable, and pleasure does not equate with guilt. Although a lot of us feel that way. So your language is so powerful in the way you talk to yourself, in the way you talk to others, and in the way you conceptualize what rest is and what it means about you.
[00:18:46] Crystal: Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I think I think that's perfect. And I think at this moment in time, if, as you're listening, when are you going to sit down? and take a break today. So think about that. And thanks again for spending time listening to Plan for Wonder with Eileen and me. We're going to be back next week.
[00:19:05] If you're keen to connect with Eileen, there will be references to these posts and stuff that we're talking about in the show notes.
And remember that the space you take up in the world matters to me, but even more importantly, you matter the most in your life.
